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Liz

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Too loving, too hopeful... maybe. [30 Oct 2009|10:17am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Is it possible to learn how to *really* let go of someone? That's a lesson I need.

I suppose the first step would be surrendering. By that I mean giving into the feelings of longing and sadness, and stop infecting them with hopefulness that the situation can improve. My coping mechanism is employing strict logic, a tendency that has served me and allowed me to function all these years through the trauma and serious depression. However, I see the resolve as temporary; for a bit, I can be distracted or angry, and just be in my MIND and removed from the complete experience. I don't sort through and deal with that lasting hurt on an emotional level. That pain always resurfaces.

I just can't help but be hopeful. I really believe in love, goodness, and truth and it's insane to me the way that certain situations turn out. I don't know how to give up. This feeling extends far beyond my interaction with particular people, but is at the heart of my worldview.

What I do know is that right now I'm tapped into this feeling viscerally and it sucks.

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Death culture. [25 Oct 2009|03:49pm]
[ mood | disgusted ]

It's really hard to do school work after I see a website like this: http://www.chinahush.com/2009/10/21/amazing-pictures-pollution-in-china/

Why should I waste my time writing about people not allowing other people into their stupid clubs when there is this shit going down? We're fucking KILLING each other, every other species of animal, and every other living organism. We Americans pretend that we solved our environmental problems, but we just exported this behavior elsewhere so we can keep on buying our crap.

I'm attending a concert tonight. I'm definitely going to push people.

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At least there is the night. [01 Sep 2009|08:25am]
[ mood | :-\ ]

I had a dream last night that Stefan came home. It was pretty wonderful.

[28 Aug 2009|09:46pm]
I wish things had worked out. :(

Poly Validity. [20 Aug 2009|07:52pm]
Is polyamorous another word for player?

Someone raised that question to me recently when I was discussing polyamory with them, and it's sure got me thinking.

Even if it was, does it matter?
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Goodnight post. [31 Jul 2009|11:20pm]
I got butt whiplash from free falling down a flight of stairs on Sunday night* and I've been off drugs and poison~ for so long that I can't even take these 500 mg anti-inflammatories and acetaminophen without them fucking up my stomach and giving me headaches.

While I love my Long Island home for several reasons, bed time is full of so many memories that it hurts a lot.

I LEAVE FOR MICHIGAN IN 35 HOURS!

___
*near death experience, for real
~meaning otc, prescription and recreational drugs and shitty pharm. laced and chemical foods, alcohol aside
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A holy day. [09 Jul 2009|12:20am]
Pilgrimage to New Paltz. Goodbye, goodbye, hello again. Stations of the cross.

And at nightfall I parked my car at the Dug Road/Kleine Kill clearing. I ate a salad from Hokkaido and watched the fireflies slowly speckle to life until a million bugs danced and glowed. Illuminated trees and tall grass. A single cricket played, then stopped. Some reptile's hummmm took over shortly afterwards.

Throw my body in the marsh when I die, please. There's no place like it.

After about forty-five minutes and four hundred fifty thoughts, I rode up the hill to see the yellowest, brightest, biggest moon. Driving down Springtown two foxes appeared and then a deer.

MAGIC.
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New Salad Combo. [25 Jun 2009|03:22pm]
I always like a loaded salad. The new combination I created today is as follows:

spinach, sprout mix, shredded carrot, shredded beet, slivered onion, edamame, boiled sweet potato cubes, crushed walnuts, dried cherries and cranberries, sesame seeds, apple cider vinegar, salt, pepper, fresh dill, dried oregano, and a touch of flax oil.

So-fucking-good. POWER FOOD! Only problem is that I don't have a real grater yet and I had to use this miniscule one someone gave me as a gift for camping, heh.

Now back to group presentation preparation...

PS - I woke up this morning with moderate laryngitis and felt like I was in some terrible sitcom. My first graduate presentation and my voice is shot? What the fuck. No talking, hot water, a long run, and oil of oregano are helping, I do believe.
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Four weeks in. [20 Jun 2009|10:13pm]
A very good morning, followed by gardening and meeting cool SUNY student volunteers, followed by running through the park and plaza in the rain. I haven't run in so long. Once I started Bikram, I'd take Winston on long walks (or opt for neighborhood bike rides), but it hasn't been since the late fall that I've actually run like I did today (short, random sprints aside). And it was so amazing and totally necessary. I've been lacking that meditative state since I've split from my studio; while biking gets my heart going and is absolutely amazing and adventurous, running puts my mind in a different place.

Some things are great right now and others are really bad. Transitions are always time for reflection, I suppose. What I am certain about is that I'm exactly where I need to be right now and I'm getting better at finding my balance here.
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blue, blue skies. [14 Jun 2009|03:57pm]
Shit. Why did I go back to school? The summer is road tripping time. I'd rather be driving to Florida, then Texas, then Kaslo, then Alaska, sleeping in tents or under trees, eating wild berries by the handfuls, burning my shoulders in the sun, jumping in lakes after long hikes, smelling campfire in my hair for days on end, drinking strange, cheap liquor to fuel late night talks and hugs... I guess Michigan will have to do for this year (Vic and I are going out there in the beginning of August). Next year though, motherfucking Alaska. It's about time and I really don't care if I do it solo; it's just been calling me for too long.

I took a job working in a garden with local Albany kids. The program doesn't start until July 6, so for now it's just time playing in the dirt like the good ole days. I've only done two days so far, but the calluses are reforming so familiarly.

The Ethical Slut should be required reading for being human. Very important communication information in that book. It's articulating truths that I've been developing for years but for which I didn't have such easy, accessible language (mine was more Buddhist psychology centered). Own your emotions, articulate your needs, ask questions, listen, set boundaries.

Cars are out. Feet and bikes are in.
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Good morning. [05 Jun 2009|09:47am]
[ mood | mellow ]

There are so many incredible, wonderful people to meet and get to know in this world. In the past, this is something I would often forget in the midst of abruptness of random interactions, misconceptions of first impressions, drama and play of lasting relationships, and all the great global tragedies. But it's really, really true and I am a very fortunate person to have arrived at a more open place.

Okay, I almost want to apologize for writing something that cheesy, but it's true! And what an awesome feeling to wake up with.

I arrived at Madison Avenue on Monday. Things are shaping up very, very well.

A home is slowly emerging.

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If you haven't already... [16 Feb 2009|07:21pm]
Read Cunt.
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[20 Dec 2008|10:25pm]
I am a Wilderness First Responder!

On a crappy note, everyone seems rather depressed (or at least disenchanted) around these parts. Are we all really fucked from this economic downturn or is something else at work?
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Earthquake! [29 Apr 2008|10:51pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Tonight while brewing beer I experienced my very first earthquake. Seeing that I've loved Earth Sciences my whole life and nearly majored in Geology/Environmental Studies in college, earthquakes have been something I've read about and studied for years. I regularly check the USGS Earthquake Hazard Program website (it's bookmarked and everything), big dork that I am.

The earthquake was a 5.2 and centered just about twenty miles from me.

Honestly, I feel like I popped my cherry. :-X I mean, I was scared shitless as it was occuring since I had no frame of reference for what was happening (I thought a furnace was blowing up or something and bolted outside), but it was definitely an adreneline producing experience. It was nearly three hours ago and I'm still pretty pumped from it.

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Working photos. [14 Apr 2008|08:46pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Okay, so some more pictures have made their way to the web.


Here I am with my big ole farm bun picking kale. This was Friday morning and marked the first harvest of the season! It seems I will have a hand in coordinating this particular activity and boy do I love it. I mean, I get to make beautiful bouquets with one of my favorite foods by the dawn light in dewy fields with mountains lining the horizon in all directions; what's not to love?

The next day was market in Arcata, which was spectacular and deserves more words then I'm going to devote right now. It was totally successful and awe-inspiring; at least a thousand people came out (including lots of young people and young families), tons of farmers, a band, and it was a really beautiful day. My hope in and for humanity was slightly restored. We sold out almost a full ninety minutes before the official end of market.

More here. )

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What's been up.. [28 Mar 2008|04:25pm]
[ mood | happy ]

A lot of people have passed through the farm since last week. Particularly noteworthy is Keri, a volunteer from last year who stayed three months. She now works as a garden teacher in the Bay Area after leaving the bio-tech field (and a bigger salary). She brought four friends in tow, three of whom are garden teachers as well (the other is nearly complete with her biology teaching credential). With their access to high speed internet, they have already managed to load a few photos of their visit. So, I present to you the one photo of me farming available on the internet.


That's me with the hat in the center background. Haha. We are cultivating our second lettuce succession, which we transplanted to the field from the greenhouse on February 27. The white covering on the other rows is used to provide crop protection from the quail who love our green stuff, while providing extra heat to stimulate growth during these earlier months. In addition to lettuce, there are three types of both kale and cabbage, scallions, chard, broccoli, and sugar snap peas in this particular field. In the back, you can see orchard trees; however, those are not part of Green Fire's collection and belong to a couple from the coast who own the land on which this particular field is located.

It was so interesting spending the week with others, particularly young people with similar interest. The stimulation was almost too great; while writing in my journal on Monday night, I could swear it was Tuesday when I considered all that had happened in a day's time with all the conversation and acquainting. Having that number of people around was a nice preview into the summer and how much work it is possible to get done with a team, but also revealed how much Stefan and I will be taking a leadership role to teach those volunteers who only come by for a week or two.

Grady and Linda are gone for the weekend, so we get to have the whole farm to ourselves. Of course, there are tasks to be completed, but to do so at our own pace, with our own music, and maybe even with a glass of wine in our hands is a glorious and fun opportunity.

Oh, our second homebrew is fermenting in the carboy as I write! The first one turned out great, although, as suspected, with a really low alcohol content. This one is off to a better start, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for some genuine, homebrewed beer drunkeness! The really exciting time though is not until the summer when our barley and hops will be ready and we can have home-GROWN homebrew.

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Something to depress you... [12 Mar 2008|09:11pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

....... as we approach the fifth anniversary of the beginning of war in Iraq. This is by Joseph Stiglist, former Cheif Economist of the World Bank and appeared in the Tornoto Star. A similar, longer article featured in Vanity Fair can be found here: http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2008/04/stiglitz200804


The $3 Trillion War in Iraq
Only two winners have emerged from the conflict: oil companies and defence contractors
by Joseph Stiglitz
Read more... )

It's because our country does things like this that I am finding ways to opt out. In the future, I hope to continue counseling and education work (particularly with youth) in some capacity, but for now it is my goal to gain skills to enable self-sufficiency while earning as little taxable income as possible.

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GFF: The beginning of the season. [02 Mar 2008|06:03pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

Crazy enough, this is the conclusion of our fourth weekend here at Green Fire Farm. Stefan's brother Tyler made it up here last night as he's traveling before beginning shooting on his new TV show down in LA. He showed us the ropes on our first homebrew which is now waiting in an extra room in the cabin. It should be ready to drink in about three weeks.

Much of our work here has been in the greenhouse, planting and preparing many plant starts. Two weeks ago this Monday, we began transplanting some starts to the outdoors; we now have peas, lettuce (two successions), chard, kale, scallion, cabbage, and broccoli outdoors and growing under row covers to protect it from passing quail. Also, we seeded carrots and beets. This is the earliest the farm has ever been able to get these crops in, thanks to a new greenhouse and a very great weather pattern of rainy weeks alternating with sunny weeks.

While here, gender roles have been playing out very interestingly. I always found myself to be more male-like in mindset, tending to be more logical than emotional in everyday life. However, when it comes to the physical, I'm a girl all the way. My arm strength is so poor and I have to ask for help to carry things that should not be too heavy. On Friday, I had to use a small rotartiller -- The Mantis -- and although I did get the hang of bringing it quite close to the garlic to cut the weeds away, I felt so inept and weak. Where I shine is with cooking, getting a reputation for my good communal lunches (like swiss chard and chickpea curry with samosa filling mashed potatoes or butternut squash with quinoa, tomatoes, and peppers) and weekend baking pursuits (classic chocolate chip cookies, chocolate zuchinni muffins with chocolate chips, vegan carrot-poppy-ginger-flax muffins). Also, the care of seeding in the greenhouse and focus needed to "singulate" plug trays is something that speed is still needed, but my focus and accuracy very good. Stefan shines with his mechanical training, very able to fix the tractors and small engines and just have stamina and stength to lift and go all day long. There is some crossover in tasks and we always get an opportunity to try both traditionally female and males tasks; for example, both Stefan and I were responsible for replacing the old greenhouse tables rotted legs and replacing them with newly cut lumber. Oh well, it's how it is and regardless I am loving my time here and learning so much. It's such a beautiful valley, even with the terrible economics of this community and our crazy neighbors that mistreat animals and cough from smoking too much.

I look around at the mountains surrounding me from every direction of the farm and I think of how beautiful this place is. Sometimes I remember to look a bit closer and I notice all the trees and brush that is still barren and I wonder what the spring will bring to this place. I spotted the first buds on the trees two days ago. My senses just point to spring. It's exciting and I feel so very fortunate.

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Fiction redeemed. [02 Feb 2008|01:41am]
[ mood | restless ]

Just concluded reading On The Road in a less-than-forty-hour period and my head is still spinning in it. It's been a while since I Kerouac'ed. Beautiful literature.

It's different reading it now with the miles I have racked up this year and being homeless and all.

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Life Of Pi [30 Jan 2008|05:22pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Am I the only one who was incredibly disappointed with this book? After hearing good things for so long and it being recommended to me on countless occassions because of my interest and knowledge in religion, I was incredibly excited, but it seriously was a piece of shit (particularly pages 90 - 300) and I cannot believe that I managed to finish it.

And the whole pompous notion that this book "will make you believe in God," is totally absurd. I wasn't even raising questions about God during the whole lifeboat ordeal, and instead was questioning how many more boring days would pass. Foolishly, I assumed this story would be more mythical. Is it so much to ask for a talking Tiger and a quest for religious understanding?

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